Our Lifebook: Confessions of a Foster Momma

It's been one year since Ben and I experienced the single hardest day of either of our lives. It was the day we took Josh and Robbie, our foster boys for 18 months, to their "forever home". That day was harder than childbirth, harder than the death of a grandparent, and harder than most any day I can imagine.

It's been one year since we experienced one of the best days of our lives. The day we got to take Josh and Robbie to their "forever home"-- The day Josh had waited so long for. The day Robbie was destined for but had no idea. The day that we were able to look back and see what God had been planning all this time, and the day we gained even more understanding of His plan.

It was a whirlwind of emotions for sure. We both cried (sobbed) all the way back to Lexington (over an hour's drive) after we left them with their new parents. When one of us would quit, the other would start.

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November 29, 2010 Josh and Robbie came to live with us. We were clueless--I'm not sure we had a toy in the house. I remember asking a coworker, "so what do 8 year olds do?" Clueless. I was afraid that by agreeing to keeping these boys for "5-6 months, tops" that I had ruined our lives (the Devil is real and plants lots of lies in our heads).

Josh was rambunctious, needed direction for every move. Robbie was depressed. 8 months old and he didn't seem to know how to smile. No one can blame either of them. Moving into the third new place in a matter of a few weeks couldn't have been easy.

Family and friends rallied around us, clothing us in prayer and "kid" supplies. We got toys, clothes, and diapers. Sometime after a few months, we got used to being a family of four. But as is the case often with the foster care system, the future was unknown for the two. First the plan was to go back to their biological parents. Then maybe not. But maybe. No. They will be adopted. Yes, they will be adopted.

And then it dawned on us. "They're going to ask US if WE want to adopt them!" Immediate fear, anger, compassion, love, more fear, and some peace passed over us. I remember saying that the only way I would be ok with anyone else adopting them is if it was "THE family". You know, that family that's just about perfect? That's always having fun together, that's raising their kids in the ways of the Lord, that's got it together. Yes, that's the only one who could have them.

So let's review. We're two childless people just going about our business, responding to the call to foster some kids. Our short term commitment turned into a HUGE decision that we never wanted to be asked to make. I was distraught. One day I was 100% decided that we have to adopt. The next, I would rest in the knowledge that God can take care of them without me. It was a roller coaster of emotions for me. Why is it so hard to trust God to take care of things? Has He not proven Himself and His sovereignty over and over again in my life? He didn't need me to worry about it.

But I went on, worrying myself sick. This went on in the background for about a year (a year!), while in the foreground, we were raising 2 boys. We got to experience first words, first steps, chicken pox, a thousand ear infections, and first and second birthdays with Robbie. With Josh we taught a lot of life skills, learned a lot of Bible verses in Awana, Josh got to be on his first team with Upward basketball, he got to have his first real birthday party, and we learned a lot about having a kid in school. We celebrated Thanksgiving and 2 Christmases with them. We took them to Holiday World and the lake. We had fun every day.

You've heard it said, "Cherish every moment". Ha, when you know these kids could be gone in a matter of a few weeks at any given time, you spend a lot of time cherishing moments. I am sure I never ever wished a day of their childhood away (although there were plenty of moments of frustration--there's a reason God first gives you babies who grow to be 8-9 year olds).

I had a moment of brokenness and clarity in February 2012 at a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. As he sang, I felt God assuring me of His sovereignty and I was finally able to surrender our decision to Him.

Soon after, we met THE family. Josh and Robbie's forever home! We had a lot of fun getting to know the whole family, and we're thankful for their continued friendship.

Although God's hand was evident in this pairing, it was still a difficult transition, much more for us than for the boys. I couldn't help but feel like, by not adopting them, we were somehow saying we didn't want or care for the boys. Truly, WE LOVE THEM.

Anyway, it's been a year since we 'handed over the reigns', and there hasn't been a day since that I haven't thought about them, prayed for them, and most days we talk about them. We are beyond thankful for the time we got with them.

We haven't seen them much in the past year, realizing that Robbie especially needs to sort of forget about us so he can develop a loving bond with his Mom and Dad. We get texts and pictures every so often of Josh and Robbie's newest adventures, achievements, and growth. They're doing great. We hope someday that we can be family friends who visit to watch them play ball and celebrate birthdays and graduations.

We realize now that the call to be a foster parent is a tough one. It can be heart breaking. We realize that it doesn't make sense to choose to put yourself in a vulnerable situation. But we also realize that, as Christians, we are not called to live a comfortable life with no sacrifice and no difficulty.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27